Today I Don't Feel Like Doing Anything.

Yet it is with a dismal sigh that I reluctantly admit I have to do lots of things today. And I really don't want to.

Today I'm skipping church to go and study at the State Library with my beloved study-buddy, Meleonie. Now don't get me wrong, I love seeing that girl, and our city adventures are wonderful, but- but- I just don't want to study anymore. I don't want to have to skip church so that I can go and sit in an intimidatingly quiet (yet stunningly beautiful) library for hours on end, and write pages and pages of essays and notes. I want to be in church, seeing friends and praising the only One who's going to get me through this exam. But hopefully He understands- because I really need to study.

Hopefully if I've made it to next Sunday alive, I'll be at church all the earlier, testifying His faithfulness and greatness.

However, for now, I have a long, arduous list of things to accomplish today, and just looking at it makes me want to curl up in a tight ball and die.

1. Write practice piece for Section B
2. Read 'A Christmas Carol' and take note of quotes
3. Write second practice piece for Section A
4. Summarise knowledge for all sections
5. Read business management chapter 19 (yes, there's business homework too)
6. Finish psychology notes on personality trait theories (and there's psychology!)
7. Summarise knowledge on personality theories
8. Potentially make a start on graphs

Okay, so there's 8 things, and this is after I decided I wasn't going to do my last five chapter summary questions for business management. However, these eight things will take me all day. Literally all day. 

"Dear God, please give me strength. And motivation, and persistence, and encouragement, and focus to stay on task all day, and get everything done. Please help me to be productive and efficient, and give me the ability to absorb everything I read and study. Please just get me through the day without another mental breakdown.

Lots of love, Anoosha. Amen."

How Throwing A Tantrum Can Sometimes Lead To A Greater Sense Of Fulfilment & Appreciation.

It was only a matter of time. To be honest, I had foreseen the moment since the beginning of 5th grade. I knew it was going to happen, sooner or later.
And it did.
I had my first English exam-related nervous breakdown.

I was trying to write a text response essay. I'd spent an hour and a half at my desk, and I had written less than a page. I didn't have a properly solidified contention, and I honestly had no idea where I was going with my discussion. It felt hopeless and I felt incapable of even forming a sentence, and so I threw my book against my bedroom wall and cried.
Actually, before I threw my book, I cried all over my essay and smudged all the writing.

Then I threw my book.

I suddenly hated English. I hated it, and I hated school, and I hated writing, and I hated studying, and I hated exams and everything else. So much hatred. So little logical reasoning.

So then I had some coffee and made a sandwich, and listened to some worships songs before deciding to have another shot at that godforsaken essay. This time I wrote a plan, and carefully thought out my contention.
And, lo and behold, an hour and a half later, I had finished. It might be absolute rubbish, but it is completed absolute rubbish. At least I finished it. And that's one dot-point ticked off my to-do list. Lovely.

So I guess that lightened my mood a little. Sure, I had a shocking afternoon, but my essay was finished and I had achieved something. And that felt good.
And then it got me thinking about what else makes me feel good, and all the other little things I like. So here's a list, even though you didn't ask for one.
Maybe you'll find some stuff you can assimilate with or it'll remind you of what you like, and then we can all feel good and be happy together.

And you can thank me later.

I like scented candles & those little contraptions where you put the candle underneath and drip some fragrance and water in the top.

And I like this new peach and mandarin fragrance I have for mine.

I like tea- all sorts of tea:

Chamomile,

Rosehip,

Honeydrew green,

French vanilla & rose.

I like fairy lights.

I like the smell and feel and sight of books.

I like my bed and the comfort and security and warmth I get from it.

I love being kissed on the head.

I like long train and bus rides.

I like friendly strangers.

I love my literature class at school.

I love friends who don't judge.

I like rainy days spent in bed,

And sunny days spent in parks.

I love having my hair played with.

I like cheesy movies with predictable endings,

Oh and Disney movies too.

I like people who don't want to be like other people.

I like when I go to sleep with wet hair and wake up with wild, unruly curls.

I like making films and taking photos.

I love my friend Cristobal,

more than he knows and more than I can ever tell him.

I love my new friend Meleonie,

I think she's one of those people who are sent to you for a reason.

If you're reading this Mel, you're the greatest.

I really like muesli bars,

and tuna. 

Most people hate tuna,

but I'm really not most people.

I love the way Of Monsters & Men makes me feel;

it's the same beautiful, consistent feeling every time I listen to them.

And I like all those other things that make me feel the same lovely feelings every time.

I love those moments with my boyfriend, those tiny moments between being awake

and falling asleep,

where my mind is silent while my body and my soul are alert,

taking in the feel and scent of him next to me,

and feeling so content and secure and at peace.

I like the way my mum makes me coffee,

because she gets it right every time, 

and I dont.

I like going to bed after hot showers,

and waking up with hot showers.

I like the feeling I get after going for a run,

or doing yoga,

or having a great work-out.

I love my mums cooking.

I like wandering the city, 

and finding new cafes

and shops

and gardens.

I like markets and op-shops.

I love long drives.

I like holding hands.

I love having my hair washed by someone else.

I like the process of getting ready for an outing.

I recently realised I like seeing my boyfriend smile and laugh,

he won't agree with me, 

but he has the loveliest smile,

and the cutest laugh,

that makes me happy too.

I like going to church.

I love Florence + The Machine.

I like poetry,

and I like art.

The end.

~

*having a mental breakdown*

me- No.
me- I hate English.
me- I physically cannot write this essay.
essay-
me- I hate you essay.
essay-
me- I want to set my books and study notes on fire.
books-
me- I hate everything.
me- And now I'm crying all over my notes and getting them smudged and shit.
me- This is a horrible state of affairs.
me- I give up.

She's Tired & Sleepy, And Nodding Her Head..

...and ready to curl herself up in bed, and see what tomorrow brings.

Does anyone remember 'Noddy'? ('The little man in the red and yellow car'?)
No? No one? 

Nevermind.

Somehow I think Noddy was a little more optimistic than I am, at the best of times. All Noddy ever had to do was be all cute and small and happy in his little car, with all his little toy friends. 

Noddy never had to wake up at ungodly hours to get ready for school, or take a bus full of inexplicably-boysterous-for-8am-in-the-morning young adolescents to a place where he would have to elbow his way through locker bays and get bored to the point of insanity in class. Additionally, Noddy didn't need to drink coffee to stay awake while studying for countless SAC's and exams. 

I complain far too much about school.

It's not as if I'm the first and only person to ever do VCE. It's not as if there aren't another 40,000 or so VCE students struggling through this with me.
I shouldn't be so ungrateful. So many kids around the world would do anything for my life, and my education and my opportunites. Jesus, a girl just got shot for pushing for her rights to an education and here I am complaining endlessly about mine.

I can't say I'm enjoying the stress and the anxiety and the pressure of school right now, but I'm so blessed to have an education and such promising possibilities and opportunites. I really must stop whining.

On a happier side note, I have so much to look forward to! After exams, we begin three weeks of year 12 before the school year is over for good. You'd presume that my usual hateful ramblings towards year 11 would only suggest even more hateful ramblings towards year 12, but alas, you are wrong.
It makes no sense whatsoever, and it totally contradicts everything I just whinged about, but I am super excited for year 12. 
Actually, let me specify- I am most certainly NOT looking forward to the heightened stress and pressure and anxiety and nerves that will surely result from my next and final year of high school. I'm NOT looking forward to exams and selecting universities and all that troublesome nonsense. And I'm certainly NOT looking forward to hearing about the VCAA 28,483 times a week. 

What I am looking forward to is the independence and freedom we get as seniors of the school. And by this I mean not just little privileges and perks, but I mean in relation to subjects and coursework,  and the freedom of choice and room for creativity that we are allowed.
For example, year 11 media has seen us following the coursework for the year, which obviously means completing structured projects and assessment tasks as directed by our teacher. Fun, but hardly room for the creativity I know I have.
Year 12 media, however, sees us spending the entire year on one project- be it film, print, photography, animation or digital media/radio. We get to pick whichever we like and then spend the entire year, brainstorming, drafting, creating and perfecting our final piece. 
When I was told this, I almost squealed with excitement. I don't know which form I like more out of all of them, but just the fact that there is so much freedom and room for creativity and independence just makes me eager to start the new school year, before we've even finished this one.

Oh! And in regards to that, the back room of our house- that my sister and I are slowly but gradually turning into a studio- is coming along quite nicely. And I have good news..
I may soon be purchasing my very own iMac for the studio, complete with all the programs I will require for media! I'm so excited I can hardly wait- Macs are absolutely wonderful for design and media, especially photography.
And to accompany my beautiful iMac, I'm going to look into a Canon EOS SLR for perhaps my 18th birthday next May. I've seen some ridiculous deals on twin lens kits, and it would sure be an investment. I can't wait.
Next year will be a hell of a challenge, but an awesome one. So maybe I'll stop complaining, just for now.

I'll keep you posted. Much love.

You bring me so much happiness,

please stay around.

Bottle-Neck.

Just in case anyone was concerned about my whereabouts or my significant decline in any sort of posts with original substance- don't worry. I'm still here. Kind of.

Every time I open my internet, Jack's House pops up as my homepage and I am continuously reminded of where I would rather be. But of course, every time I open my internet, it is not to blog, but rather to check my work rosters, view my bank account balance (a.k.a, forget my password 200 times and then when I finally gain access, cry about how poor I am), Google answers for homework and copy chunks of text from Wikipedia, and then of course tell the whole of Facebook via my status, about how much I hate VCE.

And finally I have an empty house and a spare minute to say hi.

A spare minute that will soon vanish, and will only return on the 9th of November when my exams end, and then that spare minute will- much to my inexplicable pleasure- become a spare two months. A spare two months of beautiful Summer holidays. But until then, I'm sitting at the bottle-neck.

I'm not quite sure if I made up that term, or whether it's been widely used before me and I'm just a misconcieving, filthy liar. But if I really am the first person to use that term in this sense, or if you just haven't a single clue what I'm talking about at this point, by bottle-neck, I'm referring to this stage of the school year. This stage where everything you have studied for and worked for is finally coming to seem important, and exams are just around the corner and you're just so so close to freedom and relief, but until then, you're in the neck of the bottle and everything is just tight and difficult and restraining and painful and arduous and life-ruining. To say the least.
And although I'm currently only in my first year of VCE, my English exam in approximately seventeen days is worrying me enough to make my hair fall out. Thankfully I'm not sure it's managed to do that just yet, but really, I wouldn't be surprised.

This exam is the 'be all and end all' for me. English has always been my best and my favourite subject, eversince I was a wee lass in prep all those years ago. And on the 1st of November, I have to sit a three hour and fifteen minute exam to prove my knowledge on everything I've learnt so far.

And I am petrified.
Scared to the point of anxiety attacks-
Or spontaneous combustion.
Either seems likely.

And to make matters worse, my worry seems to have eaten my motivation. A few days ago, I sat at my table and wrote some fourteen hundred words for a practice language analysis, but then realised 1. that I had achieved that over the time span of two nights, and 2. that there was no way in heaven or hell that I would honestly be writing fourteen hundred words in one hour, and so I concluded that I had simply wasted my time, hence my newfound lack of motivation.

And now, lo and behold, I think I'm coming down with a cold. Or some sort of illness that just makes me want to frown and sleep.

Oh bloggers, I bet you're longing for the day you don't have to listen to my whiney, study-related posts.  I'm longing for the day I don't need to write them.

Until then, please still love me.

She makes the sign of a teaspoon 
He makes the sign of a wave 
The poor boy changes clothes 
And he puts on after-shave 
To compensate for his ordinary shoes 

And she said honey take me dancing 
But they ended up by sleeping 
In a doorway 
By the bodegas and the lights on 
Upper Broadway 
Wearing diamonds on the soles of their shoes