You know that feeling of excitement?
Happy and nervous excitement at the same time; like the anticipation inside you is like a bottle of fizzy drink just after it's been shaken, and you're about to open it.
That feeling of being so giddy with excitement that you feel like a child- it's the first thing you think of when you wake up and the thought of it get's you through the day. Everything is a little bit happier, a little but sunnier because you know you have this to look forward to. And sometimes you shape scenarios in your head, hoping that it will go this way or that, but hopefully not one particular way because that would be awful. You shape scenarios, but truthfully, you can't wait those few hours to really be there in the moment, scenarios aside. You are so happy, so excited, a little bit nervous, but you can't wait.
Nothing could ever steal away your feeling right now.
Really, brain/heart/conscience (whoever gave me that stupid notion), is that what you think?
Because that's a lie.
Today I felt exactly like I just described, and was literally in the middle of getting ready for the evening that was to unfold, when my excitement was dashed mercilessly to the floor and the plans-put simply- went to shit.
Now it's no bodies fault, but that didn't change how brutally beaten my tiny heart was. That familiar hanging up of the phone, followed by a sigh and drooping shoulders.
Also followed by tears.
Yes, tears, I cried okay? I blame it partially on menstruation and unbalanced hormones, and partially on the fact that I had so much hope and excitement for this evening.
Everything was perfect. I hadn't chosen an outfit, but the weather was and still is beautiful- perfect for the beach, and for rolling on into a lovely breezy night. I had planned everything, and I knew exactly when it would happen and what I would say. Excitement and anticipation and beautiful weather aside, more than anything, I just wanted to see him.
And now I am alone, in my bedroom with the blinds shut, sitting on my bed with only the glow of my laptop shining feebly on my tear-streaked and grumpy face. And this sucks.
This sucks more than missing the bus when you're literally about five metres away from the stop. This sucks more than being ten cents short of buying yourself lunch. This sucks more than getting suck at the lights while all the other cars get to drive. This sucks more than maths tests on a summer afternoon. This sucks and I hate life right now.
Sorry bloggers, end rant.
I'm just a little bit shattered.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Anonymous Love Letters/Thank-You Notes- Because Hate Mail Was A Bad Idea, And I Have Far Too Much To Be Happy & Thankful About
Dear #1:
Thank-you for being exactly the way you are and not a single bit different; to be entirely honest, I probably wouldn't love you as much if you were any other way that the way you are now. No one gives hugs like you and no one makes soup like you. Thank-you for making my cup of coffee every morning, because I sure as hell can't make a coffee to save my life.
Dear #2:
Thank-you for shaping me as we grew up and teaching me how to dance to hip-hop and how to apply eye-shadow. Even though I still get it wrong. And still need help..
Dear #3:
Thank-you for encouraging me and motivating me all those years ago; thank-you for believing in me, and making me believe in myself too. I will never forget you and I will always be grateful for everything you taught me.
Dear #4:
Thank-you for knowing how weird I am and still sticking around. You will always be my jellybean.
Dear #5:
Thank-you for opening my eyes to the world and the beautiful things in it: the people, the languages, the music and the places. I owe so much of myself to you and your doings, and I love you shamelessly.
Dear #6:
Thank-you for not being afraid to tell me when I'm wrong, to oppose me, to argue with me, to correct me or to challenge me. Thank-you for fighting with me and debating with me, and being my friend all the while. Thank-you for your caring soul and your gigantic heart.
Dear #7:
Thank-you for inspiring me to smile through the pain like you have learnt to do so well. Everything happens for a reason, don't forget, and you'll find out that reason one day.
Dear #8:
Thank-you for the lesson you taught me. Thank-you for the way you treated me- you made me realise the way I should be treated. Thank-you for disrespecting me- you showed me that I knew how to respect myself. Thank-you for deceiving me and lying to me- you made me value the truth and honest people. Thank-you for trying to manipulate me and take advantage of me- you let me prove to myself that I was stronger, smarter and better than I ever knew.
Dear #9:
Thank-you for opening my eyes and opening my heart. You initiated an epiphany, and not a lot of people can do that.
Dear #10:
Thank-you for letting me call on you whenever I need, so that I can pour out my whiney, insignificant teenage girl problems to you at ridiculous hours of the night. I value you and your generosity and compassion and mentoring more than I let you know.
Dear #11:
Thank-you for being my confidante, my encourager, my handy-man, my chauffeur, my pillow, my advice-giver, my listener, my security blanket, my teacher, my comedian, my supporter, my friend, my complete and total opposite, and the one person I love with every atom that I consist of. Thank-you for debating with me, for arguing with me and for fighting with me, and still loving me all the same. Thank-you for telling me when I'm being a contradicting, hypocrtical whore, and for putting up with my endless mood swings and whack hormones. Really, I'm very grateful.
Dear #12:
Thank-you for being the most beautiful, genuine, honest, kind, caring young man I have ever come across. You are such a wonderful person, and so humble about it too. More boys should aspire to become like you- you are such a role model and such a brilliant guy. I am so honoured to be your friend.
Dear #13:
Thank-you for being you- you're probably the loveliest human being I have ever met, and your aura is just beautiful. You spread happiness and light wherever you go, and it's contagious. I wish more people were just like you.
Dear #14:
Thank-you for taking me on the rollercoasters and waterslides when Mum was too scared. Thank-you for the bike rides and the Happy Meals, and the caramel sundaes. Thank-you for investing time in trying to teach me how to play cricket. I'm sorry I got it all wrong and could never hit the ball. Bet you wish you had a son, huh? Thank-you for always being protective of us, and for telling us you'd 'keep the shotgun handy when the boys start coming'. I can tell you now, I found the perfect one so you can lay down your shotgun.
Oh and thanks for the corned beef on Saturday mornings.
Dear #15:
Thank-you for being like my long lost sister. Thank-you for being so utterly hilarious and so wonderfully genuine. Thank-you for all the inspiration, the encouragement, the D&M's and the inside jokes. I wish you all the very best on your trip this year- you deserve to have the time of you life.
Thank-you for being exactly the way you are and not a single bit different; to be entirely honest, I probably wouldn't love you as much if you were any other way that the way you are now. No one gives hugs like you and no one makes soup like you. Thank-you for making my cup of coffee every morning, because I sure as hell can't make a coffee to save my life.
Dear #2:
Thank-you for shaping me as we grew up and teaching me how to dance to hip-hop and how to apply eye-shadow. Even though I still get it wrong. And still need help..
Dear #3:
Thank-you for encouraging me and motivating me all those years ago; thank-you for believing in me, and making me believe in myself too. I will never forget you and I will always be grateful for everything you taught me.
Dear #4:
Thank-you for knowing how weird I am and still sticking around. You will always be my jellybean.
Dear #5:
Thank-you for opening my eyes to the world and the beautiful things in it: the people, the languages, the music and the places. I owe so much of myself to you and your doings, and I love you shamelessly.
Dear #6:
Thank-you for not being afraid to tell me when I'm wrong, to oppose me, to argue with me, to correct me or to challenge me. Thank-you for fighting with me and debating with me, and being my friend all the while. Thank-you for your caring soul and your gigantic heart.
Dear #7:
Thank-you for inspiring me to smile through the pain like you have learnt to do so well. Everything happens for a reason, don't forget, and you'll find out that reason one day.
Dear #8:
Thank-you for the lesson you taught me. Thank-you for the way you treated me- you made me realise the way I should be treated. Thank-you for disrespecting me- you showed me that I knew how to respect myself. Thank-you for deceiving me and lying to me- you made me value the truth and honest people. Thank-you for trying to manipulate me and take advantage of me- you let me prove to myself that I was stronger, smarter and better than I ever knew.
Dear #9:
Thank-you for opening my eyes and opening my heart. You initiated an epiphany, and not a lot of people can do that.
Dear #10:
Thank-you for letting me call on you whenever I need, so that I can pour out my whiney, insignificant teenage girl problems to you at ridiculous hours of the night. I value you and your generosity and compassion and mentoring more than I let you know.
Dear #11:
Thank-you for being my confidante, my encourager, my handy-man, my chauffeur, my pillow, my advice-giver, my listener, my security blanket, my teacher, my comedian, my supporter, my friend, my complete and total opposite, and the one person I love with every atom that I consist of. Thank-you for debating with me, for arguing with me and for fighting with me, and still loving me all the same. Thank-you for telling me when I'm being a contradicting, hypocrtical whore, and for putting up with my endless mood swings and whack hormones. Really, I'm very grateful.
Dear #12:
Thank-you for being the most beautiful, genuine, honest, kind, caring young man I have ever come across. You are such a wonderful person, and so humble about it too. More boys should aspire to become like you- you are such a role model and such a brilliant guy. I am so honoured to be your friend.
Dear #13:
Thank-you for being you- you're probably the loveliest human being I have ever met, and your aura is just beautiful. You spread happiness and light wherever you go, and it's contagious. I wish more people were just like you.
Dear #14:
Thank-you for taking me on the rollercoasters and waterslides when Mum was too scared. Thank-you for the bike rides and the Happy Meals, and the caramel sundaes. Thank-you for investing time in trying to teach me how to play cricket. I'm sorry I got it all wrong and could never hit the ball. Bet you wish you had a son, huh? Thank-you for always being protective of us, and for telling us you'd 'keep the shotgun handy when the boys start coming'. I can tell you now, I found the perfect one so you can lay down your shotgun.
Oh and thanks for the corned beef on Saturday mornings.
Dear #15:
Thank-you for being like my long lost sister. Thank-you for being so utterly hilarious and so wonderfully genuine. Thank-you for all the inspiration, the encouragement, the D&M's and the inside jokes. I wish you all the very best on your trip this year- you deserve to have the time of you life.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Thursday, November 1, 2012
It's over.
It's over.
It's done.
It's finished.
Never again.
Never ever again.
No more English classes.
No more reading.
No more highlighting.
No more practice essays.
No more notes.
No more hunching over my desk by lamp light.
No more lugging heavy books and my laptop to and from the State Library.
No more worrying.
No more crying.
No more mental breakdowns.
No more binge eating.
No more stress.
No more depressing, whiney, English-related blog posts.
No more studying.
I am free.
I am free from English.
I never have to study English again.
No more "What class do you have next?" "Oh, I've got English."
It's done.
My English exam is done.
I'm alive, and I don't have anymore English exams to do.
I'm free.
And I have never been so happy.
It's over.
It's done.
It's finished.
Never again.
Never ever again.
No more English classes.
No more reading.
No more highlighting.
No more practice essays.
No more notes.
No more hunching over my desk by lamp light.
No more lugging heavy books and my laptop to and from the State Library.
No more worrying.
No more crying.
No more mental breakdowns.
No more binge eating.
No more stress.
No more depressing, whiney, English-related blog posts.
No more studying.
I am free.
I am free from English.
I never have to study English again.
No more "What class do you have next?" "Oh, I've got English."
It's done.
My English exam is done.
I'm alive, and I don't have anymore English exams to do.
I'm free.
And I have never been so happy.
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