Karma, What Did I Do Wrong?

You know that feeling of excitement?
Happy and nervous excitement at the same time; like the anticipation inside you is like a bottle of fizzy drink just after it's been shaken, and you're about to open it.
That feeling of being so giddy with excitement that you feel like a child- it's the first thing you think of when you wake up and the thought of it get's you through the day. Everything is a little bit happier, a little but sunnier because you know you have this to look forward to. And sometimes you shape scenarios in your head, hoping that it will go this way or that, but hopefully not one particular way because that would be awful. You shape scenarios, but truthfully, you can't wait those few hours to really be there in the moment, scenarios aside. You are so happy, so excited, a little bit nervous, but you can't wait.
Nothing could ever steal away your feeling right now.

Really, brain/heart/conscience (whoever gave me that stupid notion), is that what you think?
Because that's a lie.

Today I felt exactly like I just described, and was literally in the middle of getting ready for the evening that was to unfold, when my excitement was dashed mercilessly to the floor and the plans-put simply- went to shit.
Now it's no bodies fault, but that didn't change how brutally beaten my tiny heart was. That familiar hanging up of the phone, followed by a sigh and drooping shoulders.

Also followed by tears.

Yes, tears, I cried okay? I blame it partially on menstruation and unbalanced hormones, and partially on the fact that I had so much hope and excitement for this evening.
Everything was perfect. I hadn't chosen an outfit, but the weather was and still is beautiful- perfect for the beach, and for rolling on into a lovely breezy night. I had planned everything, and I knew exactly when it would happen and what I would say. Excitement and anticipation and beautiful weather aside, more than anything, I just wanted to see him.

And now I am alone, in my bedroom with the blinds shut, sitting on my bed with only the glow of my laptop shining feebly on my tear-streaked and grumpy face. And this sucks.
This sucks more than missing the bus when you're literally about five metres away from the stop. This sucks more than being ten cents short of buying yourself lunch. This sucks more than getting suck at the lights while all the other cars get to drive. This sucks more than maths tests on a summer afternoon. This sucks and I hate life right now.

Sorry bloggers, end rant.

I'm just a little bit shattered.