I am not used to this; your absence, the time difference, not hearing from you for days. Suddenly I miss you so much.

Come home to me already. 

"See how the wind and the air fill the sails of the ship and propel it forward, bringing it into motion and carrying it further than it could ever have gone without?

Even the humble plastic bag will soar like a kite, if only it is filled by the wind.

In the same way, open your mind to the world and allow yourself to soar and be propelled. The more you are filled by the world, the more sensitive of it's wonders you become." 

I wish my raging and uncontrollable female hormones would allow me to appear a normal, balanced and sane young woman at least some of the time. 

One can only wish.

Thanks VCAA, I hate you too. 

me: okay, it's 9:04pm, I'll just finish dinner and then go to bed.
~
me: it's 10:46pm, wtf am I still doing here?

Vegan Diaries: Post #1

So it's been a little over a week of veganism. 
So far, relatively good. 

I started to miss meat and yoghurt and chocolate and eggs as of a few days ago. I don't normally drink milk, and ice-cream is usually once in a blue moon, but I'm missing my chocolate fix, and my grilled chicken or stir-fry beef, and boy am I missing eggs for breakfast. 

I know there are vegan alternatives for all of these,  but more often than not, they're incredibly hard to find, they taste terrible or they're expensive. I've found a great vegan alternative for chocolate, but it's fairly expensive for the tiny block you receive. But it tastes pretty great. For close to four dollars, though, I can eat the entire block in about two bites. Not worth it.

I've also realised that despite the fact that I truthfully have not eaten meat since last Thursday, I've actually had egg and dairy products several times. I had a stir-fry (tofu stir-fry, actually) on Tuesday, only to find that the noodles it was served with also came with bits of fried egg. Since my day had already been so terrible and hectic (it's a long story, but I spent my whole day beside my mother in hospital) and I was absolutely starving, I ate the stuff anyway. I know, I'm sorry.

To make things worse, PMS has seen my chocolate cravings sky rocket. Over the past three days I've found myself sneaking morsels of chocolate to sudbue the cravings, arguing that it's only a small piece and I'm only eating it because it's in the house already- I wouldn't buy it from the store, gosh no. As if that makes it any better. I think mum also put milk in the lentil curry she made tonight. And I ate that too.

Speaking of my mum, she's really really not a fan of this whole vegan thing. I mean, don't get me wrong, my mum doesn't endorse the horrific torture of animals either, she just feels that healthy and strong people really need meat, and she's worried about my wellbeing. As horrible as it sounds, she says that animals were designed to be eaten by humans, and in a way it's true. But I know that neither she nor I would ever kill an animal, even if we were going to starve. If mum had to slaughter her own meat, she'd be vegan too, I reckon. I dare say most of the world would be. 
My mum and my sister are not encouraging or supporting my vegan efforts. They just want me to eat meat again, because so far, being vegan is a little bit of a hassle. I have to buy seperate groceries and cook my own meals, because no one else in my house will buy vegan food or cook a vegan meal. And that's okay, I don't expect them to, but what I'm saying is that it's not very easy or practical. 

I don't think veganism is going to work for me. Not at this stage at least. I'm going to try to stick it out until at least the end of this week, and if I do decide to resort back to normal eating, I think it's safe to say my eating habits will definitely have changed.
I'll be buying vegan whenever possible- that means opting for vegan or vegetarian meals when out, and buying vegan groceries whenever they're on sale, or when I see the stuff I know and like. I'll be eating much more fruit and veg, to fill myself up so that I'm less inclined to eat dairy or meat, and I think if I do eat meat again, it will be in very small portions and very very rarely. 
I just don't think I can forget about what I saw in that video, and simply continue on consuming meat and dairy products without a care in the world. 

Maybe after altering my eating habits, further down the track I can have another crack at veganism, and perhaps it will be easier for me, while also being practical with my lifestyle. I hope so.

Stay tuned, I'll keep you posted. X. 

Unplanned Things Are Nice.

Except maybe pregnancies and sudden thunderstorms ruining your garden party.

But unplanned outings and days out are lovely.

Today I swam- for the first time- in the lake I have lived near all my life. 

We intended to go to the beach, but the ridiculous wind made it unpleasant and near impossible. Instead, we got food and decided to see where the day took us. And it took us to the lake.

For some reason, the lake was still and untouched by the wind. It was secluded and relatively deserted, and it made for the perfect swimming spot. 

I think I like it better than the beach now.

So hopefully another warm day will take us there again.

The end. 

'S' Is For Sunday, And Sunday Is For Rest.

I should probably do something productive with my day. Like study psychology or start some other homework. Or maybe go for a run.

But I am so lazy.

The house is so quiet and I sort of just want to lie here and soak up the peaceful serenity that is beginning to seep in.

Today is going to be an unproductive, lazy, no-progress day. But I really wouldn't have it any other way.

X.

Animals Are Cute, Let's Not Eat Them.

Day one of my vegan trial. 

And so far so good.

A friend of mine posted a video on Facebook not long ago, which accompanied a short paragraph explaining her views on veganism and why her way of life, so to speak, is as it is. Already knowing of her anti animal cruelty views, I liked the post without watching the video. 
Later that day, however, something compelled me to watch it.

And I have never ever been so horrified in my life. 

I sat screaming and crying in front of my computer screen, watching the most horrific, inhumane, demonic, violent and merciless acts of cruelty inflicted on pigs, hens, cows, fish and their innocent young. The cruelest acts of violence, so cruel I will not speak of them, inflicted on God's creatures. For what? For our food.
I sat there screaming and crying as if it were me being kicked repeatedly in the head, starved, gassed, scalded and cut and skinned alive. I screamed and cried as if it were my babies being ripped from my womb, mutated as they squealed and shrieked for their mother, only to be hit with metal poles and thrown into bins. 
My eyes had never seen such horror, and my mind had certainly never even thought it possible.

So, needless to say, I have decided to try veganism. I don't know how well this is going to go. I don't even know if it will last. I don't actually think I'll even like it, but all I know is there is no way in heaven or hell that I could have watched that and done nothing about it. 
So my trial began today, and will last for a month. No animal products whatsoever. For someone who was a sucker for grilled chicken, eggs on toast and a nice fat steak every now and then, this may prove to be hard and arduous. 
But I will not eat such products if that is how it ends up in our supermarkets and fridges. 

I think I want to be a vegan.

Say What?

I would really appreciate it if someone enlightened me on what it means to be a "fresh c*nt". Because I was sitting on the bus today, when it was brought to my attention by the loud, obnoxious teenage boys behind me, that "Brazza" was apparently "a huge tosser, but such a fresh c*nt."
I'm not entirely sure what being a "fresh c*nt" entails, but I figured although Brazza may be a tosser, he can't possibly be a clean vagina, so there must be some alternate meaning.

I'm really not down with all this teen lingo.

I just want to drink tea and eat chocolate ice-cream and snuggle on the couch with lanterns and candles.
Hmph. 

You are the blood that runs through my veins,

that feeds my hungry heart.

You are the breath that fills my chest,

and took me from the start. 

Sweet Nothings.

Mmm. 

Hear that?

No?

Neither do I.

As much as I adore people, and being out, and seeing the world (or just the rest of my city, for the time being) and being social (sometimes..), there is nothing I love more than an understated night in. Doing nothing with no one, in the peaceful sanctuary that is my bedroom. A few candles, paper lanterns, green tea, and hum of the distant highway blended with a summer breeze coming through my open window. I feel so peaceful and content, I could almost levitate.

But I'm not, unfortunately.

(How cool would that be?)

This is what I love most about summer holidays. Doing nothing. And having no pressure to find something to do to fill the endless time I have. I do, however, have a stack (literally, a stack) of holiday homework that will most likely not do itself, so perhaps I should get that done (or at least get started on it) soon. But with school having concluded less than a week ago, I'm feeling absolutely no inclination to pull out the books again. Not anytime soon.

What I have been doing is shopping, lots and lots of Christmas shopping. With one family member down and three more- plus a boyfriend and two dear friends- to go, it doesn't look as if I've been very productive. But I'll get there. 
With my boyfriend jetsetting off to the other side of the world *sniffs* in roughly a week, and not returning until the new year, I have a little extra time to muster up some sort of appropriate gift. For everyone else, however, the pressure is on. Time will have no mercy on me, and knowing my luck, it will be Christmas Eve before I've even wrapped the one gift I do have ready. 

But instead of sorting out Christmas presents, and getting caught up in the pre-Christmas madness, I've decided to prioritize- by putting the spirit of Christmas above the materialistic, secular 'just another holiday' rubbish that it has become. 
So instead, I'm grabbing coffee with a beloved friend of mine tomorrow morning- and maybe we'll sit down for a little d&m too. On Wednesday, I'm spending the day with my boyfriend and then hitting up the night markets in the city; and on Thursday I'm taking a friend opshopping. I'll probably go visit my dad during the week too, and maybe go say 'hello' to my nana.

But for now, while a combination of green tea and easy summer breeze makes me sleepy, and the peaceful evening rolls into night, I think I'll slip on some jammies and climb into bed, and enjoy the sweet nothings of summer and endless days. 

Goodnight my loves, x

Young lovers are the happiest people in the world~

because they have discovered something so new, so exhilarating, so blissful, so intricate, so breathtaking-
as if it were never known before.

If you could only see the beast you've made of me
I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free
Screaming in the dark, I howl when we're apart
drag my teeth across your chest to taste your beating heart

My fingers claw your skin, try to tear my way in
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to howl
My fingers claw your skin, try to tear my way in
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to

Howl, howl
Howl, howl

Now there's no holding back, I'm making to attack
My blood is singing with your voice, I want to pour it out
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloody feet across the hallow'd ground

like some child possessed, the beast howls in my veins
I want to find you tear out all your tenderness

And howl, howl
Howl, howl

Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers
Starts so soft and sweet and turns them to hunters
Hunters, hunters, hunters
Hunters, hunters, hunters

The fabric of your flesh, pure as a wedding dress
Until I wrap myself inside your arms I cannot rest
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hallow'd ground

And howl

Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers
Starts so soft and sweet and turns them to hunters
A man who's pure of heart and says his prayers by night
May still become a wolf when the autumn moon is bright

If you could only see the beast you've made of me
I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free
The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound
I hunt for you with bloody feet across the hallow'd ground

Well, Whaddaya Know?

Bloggers!

How lovely it is when someone thinks of you when they feel an opportunity rise; I have been nominated for a Liebster Blog Award- a little something to help the unheard-of bloggers get recognised. The nominated blogger needs to post eleven facts about themselves, answer the eleven questions the nominator has set for them, while also creating eleven more questions for the bloggers they will nominate, and going ahead and nominating those five more blog lovin' folks.

So here goes- eleven random facts about me:

• I have a mild obsessive-compulsive habit that requires me to ensure my bin is perfectly in the corner of my room before I sleep, and also to make sure that my toothbrush is completely dry before I put it away after brushing my teeth. Don't ask.
• I can't eat a muesli bar or a bar of any sort unless I take it right out of the wrapper.
• I'm afraid of moths, things with sharp blades that rotate very quicky (like lawn mowers and blenders), the dark and falling in love.
• I have a rabbit that likes peanut butter and enjoys hanging out with birds.
• I am a compulsive over-thinker.
• I adore people. Any people. Strangers, even.
• I sing to myself when I'm in the dark (because I'm scared of the dark, remember?) to try to comfort myself until I can turn on a light.
• I love baking and decorating cupcakes.
• Tea, reading, writing and prayer are my cures for everything. 
• I absolutely hate sultanas. Bleugh. *gags*
• I have an irregular heart beat that will occasionally speed up and make it hard for me to breathe. Not fun.

And to answer the questions I was assigned:

1. If you could learn another language, which would it be? Why?
2. Do you prefer the city or the country? 
3. What is your passion in life?
4. Do you believe in love at first sight?
5. Most embarrassing moment?
6. What's something you'd like to achieve by the end of 2012?
7. What do you look for in a friendship?
8. 5 Guilty pleasures?
9. If you could have a beautiful apartment, which city would it be in?
10. Is there a celebrity who drives you nuts? (in a bad way)
11. What was your last dream about?

1. If I could learn another language, it would surely be French. Or Swedish. Swedish is fun and much easier than French, but French is oh-so-beautiful. 

2. I like the city and the country, but if I had to choose, I would probably pick city. I love the lights and the people and the excitement. 

3. People and writing, and they interrelate. I want to write because I adore writing. I love letters and words and the feelings and emotions you can evoke through stringing a few letters together to form a word, and a few words together to form a sentence. I love that words can heal or hurt or inspire or break down. There is so much power in language and writing. I want to be the writer that revolutionises the way the world reads, and I want to inspire people and make people fall in love with literature again. But then I also want to work with people, and build charities that address issues that are often neglected, and meet people and build relationships. Blah blah blah.

4. I would like to believe in love at first sight, but I don't think I do. I think you can be attracted to a person at first sight for one reason, but then fall in love with them for a million and one other reasons. I'm far too skeptical. I personally need to know a person to fall in love with them, because you fall in love with someones soul, and things like souls aren't ever out there on display.

5. Filming an absolutely rubbish segment for a TV show, walking out of the bathroom with my dress tucked into my underwear, flashing my bosom to a poor boy at school, falling over in public, getting tongue-tied during public speeches, oh the list goes on.

6. The end of 2012? That's more or less now. Nevertheless, by the end of the year, I would like to have saved up enough to steadily support myself for the upcoming school year and support the little kiddo I plan on sponsoring through World Vision. That, and getting fit. And getting my holiday homework done. Ugh.

7. Funny you ask- in a friendship, I look for integrity, acceptance, respect, excitement, trust, faithfulness and compassion. 

8. Oooh, five guilty pleasures? Chocolate, 80's music, any cheesy rom-com with Drew Barrymore, opshopping (that's hardly guilty- it's an opshop, come on) and Double Choc Fudge McFlurries. Or churros.

9. If I could have a beautiful apartment, it would probably be in New York. Milan or Paris would also be amazing, but then again, there's no place like Melbourne.

10. Yes, Kim Kardashian. I hate her with an irrational, illogical passion and I wish she would drop dead right this instance. I don't even want to start on why I despise her so much, but just trust me- I do. 

11. My last dream was rather bizzare... I was on a bus on the way to a school camp, yet we stopped off during the night, at some dingy little petrol station where a friend of mine was working (mind you, she is NOT the girl you'd find working in a petrol station). For some reason I was trying to find condoms that eventually morphed into water balloons. Don't ask. I don't even know. 

Now, stay tuned while I think up some Q's to ask the next folk I nominate.

Much love, x

The xx - Angels

Just A Quick Question..

What do you think it means to love somebody?
I mean, not just love somebody in the way that I love my mum, or my best friends or kind strangers, or people who make brilliant coffees. 
I mean, what do you think it means to be in love with somebody?

Does it mean seeing them as flawless? Or seeing their flaws and disregarding them, accepting them anyway, and chosing to be with that person flaws or no flaws?
Does it mean knowing everything about them, like their favourite food, and their favourite colours, and their dogs name and where they went to school?
Does it mean you must like their family too? Their brothers and sisters, their mum and dad- maybe their grandparents, cousins, aunties as well? And must their family like you back?
Does it mean liking the way they dress, the way they do their hair, the shoes they like to wear? Does it mean you fall for their dorky pyjamas or their funny socks too?
Does love sometimes just mean lust? Is it wanting the physical- the touch and the feel of them on you, to satisfy desires?
Does it mean you always get along? That you go together like two peas in a pod, and you're as happy as Larry when you're both together? Does it mean you never fight, or argue, or debate?
Does it mean you always want to look your best when you're with them- wearing your nicest clothes, always done up, hair in place, powdered and scented? Or does it mean that together you're as comfortable as old boots- baggy hand-me-down's and messy hair, with not a trace of make-up on your face, and you couldn't care a cent, nor could he?
Does it mean being compatible? You have matching life goals, complimenting star signs, lifestyles that work well together? You're the planner, the organiser- and they're the do-er, the 'action' kind of person. How's that for compatible? Maybe you're both passionate about the environment, about polictics, the economy, travel?
Does love mean you can picture yourself with that person, five, ten, twenty years down the track? Travelling, a house, a wedding, having children together? Growing old and wrinkly and slowly disintegrating together?

Does love mean all of these things, or none at all? Heck, I'm only seventeen and I may as well have been born yesterday. All I know of life and the world is what textbooks, teachers and the Internet have to tell me. But maybe I know a little.

Maybe being in love is a little bit of all of those things. But maybe being in love is being with that one person whose voice can calm you in the wildest of rages, or rescue you from the darkest corners of sadness and tears. Whose touch makes you feel like everything in the world will be okay, at least for that moment, because you have them and that's all that is necessary. Who takes you away from the world and reality when they wrap you up in their arms, and you have truly never felt so safe, so content, so adored.
Maybe it's that person who you makes you feel so comfortable- like you could have just fallen out of a tree and landed in dog poo and they would still think you're the bees knees. Like you never need to fake anything, never need to doll yourself up in make-up or fancy clothes, for them to love you back. Together you could sit on your couch eating Chinese food from a plastic take-away container, in your tracksuit pants and department store shirt, and it would still be a wonderful night. 
Maybe it's that person who never judges you. Who hears your secrets and dreams and aspirations and fears, who will never tell a soul and never discourage you. That person who will listen and give advice and say they'll be there for you every step of the way. Your biggest supporter. 
Maybe it's that person who has woven their way into your life and into your heart, to the point where you cannot imagine your world without them. They are so much a part of you, how would things be without them? You can even imagine, naively and foolishly, a future with them. Loving them shamelessly, mercilessly, unendingly, through thick or thin, as long as you both shall live. And even after that. 
Maybe it's that person you never tire of, that person you always wish to see, who you constantly miss- even minutes after they leave you. Is that even normal?
Maybe it's that person who- even in the worst of times- you can still love. Even when they've hurt you, reduced you to tears, made you so angry you really just wanted to punch them in the face and tell them you never want to see them again- you know you still love them. That person you can fight with, argue with, get angry at- you give them the silent treatment and they tell you you're being ridiculous. You go back and forth and realise you're not getting anywhere because you're both stubborn. And despite all the fights, you know you would fight for each other- fight for what you have together- with all you've got. You couldn't let this person go. 
Maybe it's that person who surprises you every day- you learn or notice something new, something that enthralls you and reminds you, once again, of the beautiful human being you've been blessed with. You notice a new habit or quirk, you take note of their scent, their feel, the looks they give you. There is nothing more exciting than exploring the depths of another human being. And that's what you get to do every time you're with them, until one day you know their every element, and you are familiar with their soul.
And you love them for it. 

Maybe that's sort of what being in love is.

Well maybe, just maybe..

Another adorable photo, courtesy of 9GAG.

Except this one makes me happy and sad at the same time.

Karma, What Did I Do Wrong?

You know that feeling of excitement?
Happy and nervous excitement at the same time; like the anticipation inside you is like a bottle of fizzy drink just after it's been shaken, and you're about to open it.
That feeling of being so giddy with excitement that you feel like a child- it's the first thing you think of when you wake up and the thought of it get's you through the day. Everything is a little bit happier, a little but sunnier because you know you have this to look forward to. And sometimes you shape scenarios in your head, hoping that it will go this way or that, but hopefully not one particular way because that would be awful. You shape scenarios, but truthfully, you can't wait those few hours to really be there in the moment, scenarios aside. You are so happy, so excited, a little bit nervous, but you can't wait.
Nothing could ever steal away your feeling right now.

Really, brain/heart/conscience (whoever gave me that stupid notion), is that what you think?
Because that's a lie.

Today I felt exactly like I just described, and was literally in the middle of getting ready for the evening that was to unfold, when my excitement was dashed mercilessly to the floor and the plans-put simply- went to shit.
Now it's no bodies fault, but that didn't change how brutally beaten my tiny heart was. That familiar hanging up of the phone, followed by a sigh and drooping shoulders.

Also followed by tears.

Yes, tears, I cried okay? I blame it partially on menstruation and unbalanced hormones, and partially on the fact that I had so much hope and excitement for this evening.
Everything was perfect. I hadn't chosen an outfit, but the weather was and still is beautiful- perfect for the beach, and for rolling on into a lovely breezy night. I had planned everything, and I knew exactly when it would happen and what I would say. Excitement and anticipation and beautiful weather aside, more than anything, I just wanted to see him.

And now I am alone, in my bedroom with the blinds shut, sitting on my bed with only the glow of my laptop shining feebly on my tear-streaked and grumpy face. And this sucks.
This sucks more than missing the bus when you're literally about five metres away from the stop. This sucks more than being ten cents short of buying yourself lunch. This sucks more than getting suck at the lights while all the other cars get to drive. This sucks more than maths tests on a summer afternoon. This sucks and I hate life right now.

Sorry bloggers, end rant.

I'm just a little bit shattered.

This was the loveliest thing I found on 9GAG, 

after so many stupid jokes and meme's I didn't understand..

Anonymous Love Letters/Thank-You Notes- Because Hate Mail Was A Bad Idea, And I Have Far Too Much To Be Happy & Thankful About

Dear #1:
Thank-you for being exactly the way you are and not a single bit different; to be entirely honest, I probably wouldn't love you as much if you were any other way that the way you are now. No one gives hugs like you and no one makes soup like you. Thank-you for making my cup of coffee every morning, because I sure as hell can't make a coffee to save my life.

Dear #2:
Thank-you for shaping me as we grew up and teaching me how to dance to hip-hop and how to apply eye-shadow. Even though I still get it wrong. And still need help..

Dear #3:
Thank-you for encouraging me and motivating me all those years ago; thank-you for believing in me, and making me believe in myself too. I will never forget you and I will always be grateful for everything you taught me.

Dear #4:
Thank-you for knowing how weird I am and still sticking around. You will always be my jellybean.

Dear #5:
Thank-you for opening my eyes to the world and the beautiful things in it: the people, the languages, the music and the places. I owe so much of myself to you and your doings, and I love you shamelessly.

Dear #6:
Thank-you for not being afraid to tell me when I'm wrong, to oppose me, to argue with me, to correct me or to challenge me. Thank-you for fighting with me and debating with me, and being my friend all the while. Thank-you for your caring soul and your gigantic heart.

Dear #7:
Thank-you for inspiring me to smile through the pain like you have learnt to do so well. Everything happens for a reason, don't forget, and you'll find out that reason one day.

Dear #8:
Thank-you for the lesson you taught me. Thank-you for the way you treated me- you made me realise the way I should be treated. Thank-you for disrespecting me- you showed me that I knew how to respect myself. Thank-you for deceiving me and lying to me- you made me value the truth and honest people. Thank-you for trying to manipulate me and take advantage of me- you let me prove to myself that I was stronger, smarter and better than I ever knew.

Dear #9:
Thank-you for opening my eyes and opening my heart. You initiated an epiphany, and not a lot of people can do that.

Dear #10:
Thank-you for letting me call on you whenever I need, so that I can pour out my whiney, insignificant teenage girl problems to you at ridiculous hours of the night. I value you and your generosity and compassion and mentoring more than I let you know.

Dear #11:
Thank-you for being my confidante, my encourager, my handy-man, my chauffeur, my pillow, my advice-giver, my listener, my security blanket, my teacher, my comedian, my supporter, my friend, my complete and total opposite, and the one person I love with every atom that I consist of. Thank-you for debating with me, for arguing with me and for fighting with me, and still loving me all the same. Thank-you for telling me when I'm being a contradicting, hypocrtical whore, and for putting up with my endless mood swings and whack hormones. Really, I'm very grateful.

Dear #12:
Thank-you for being the most beautiful, genuine, honest, kind, caring young man I have ever come across. You are such a wonderful person, and so humble about it too. More boys should aspire to become like you- you are such a role model and such a brilliant guy. I am so honoured to be your friend.

Dear #13:
Thank-you for being you- you're probably the loveliest human being I have ever met, and your aura is just beautiful. You spread happiness and light wherever you go, and it's contagious. I wish more people were just like you.

Dear #14:
Thank-you for taking me on the rollercoasters and waterslides when Mum was too scared. Thank-you for the bike rides and the Happy Meals, and the caramel sundaes. Thank-you for investing time in trying to teach me how to play cricket. I'm sorry I got it all wrong and could never hit the ball. Bet you wish you had a son, huh? Thank-you for always being protective of us, and for telling us you'd 'keep the shotgun handy when the boys start coming'. I can tell you now, I found the perfect one so you can lay down your shotgun.
Oh and thanks for the corned beef on Saturday mornings.

Dear #15:
Thank-you for being like my long lost sister. Thank-you for being so utterly hilarious and so wonderfully genuine. Thank-you for all the inspiration, the encouragement, the D&M's and the inside jokes. I wish you all the very best on your trip this year- you deserve to have the time of you life.

Today is a happy day.

I cannot study anymore.
I just want to quit and burn my textbooks and be a gypsy.
Or a mermaid.

That is all. 

Beef/soy stir-fry

+

Frankie

+

Snakadaktal

+

Nailpolish

+

a little bit of lazy TV

+

maaaaaybe a bit of revision for my history SAC tomorrow

=

a very happy Anoosha

Oh how I love being alone.

It's over.
It's over.
It's done.
It's finished.
Never again.
Never ever again.
No more English classes.
No more reading.
No more highlighting.
No more practice essays.
No more notes.
No more hunching over my desk by lamp light.
No more lugging heavy books and my laptop to and from the State Library.
No more worrying.
No more crying.
No more mental breakdowns.
No more binge eating.
No more stress.
No more depressing, whiney, English-related blog posts.
No more studying.
I am free.
I am free from English.
I never have to study English again.
No more "What class do you have next?" "Oh, I've got English."
It's done.
My English exam is done.
I'm alive, and I don't have anymore English exams to do.
I'm free.
And I have never been so happy.

Snakadaktal - Dance Bear

Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder;

it only makes the heart realise it can most certainly do without.

~

"Op, What Was That?" "That, Ma'am, Was Your Sanity...And Your Remotely Decent Figure."

Dear Jesus, this is bad.

I know I said I didn't feel bad about eating ridiculous amounts of rubbish because it was making me happy and helping me combat stress, but this is just wrong.
I have consumed so much chocolate and so many Dorito's and so much processed, sugary, artificial junk, that I feel like a walking rubbish dump. A rubbish dump for bad food.

Add to that, I had another mental breakdown a few hours earlier. For some stupid flipping reason, my e-mails weren't working, and I was trying to study and I desperately needed to e-mail my teacher. Then when I finally logged on, it told me I needed to verify some code for security reasons or some bullshit like that, and then when I clicked on the link it gave me, there was no code!

So I cried. For quite a while.

When I'd pulled myself together, it occured to me that I could just try my other e-mail address. Which I did.
Great success.

But after four more pieces of chocolate and a bite of some odd-tasting macaroon, and another mental breakdown threat, I think it's time to go for a run.

Or a walk.

After all that junk food, let's not be too ambitious.

Bye for now, X

Bombay Bicycle Club on the 2nd of Jan

Beach House on the 9th of Jan

St. Jerome's Laneway Festival on the 3rd of Feb

and

wait for it..

Of Monsters and Men on the 5th of Feb

I cannot contain my excitement. 
This is going to be the most amazing Summer of my life.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

"Because It Makes Me Happy"- Why Binge Eating and Spontaneous Purchases Are Sometimes The Only Answer.

This weekend has been rotten. Just absolutely rotten and disappointing and dismal. And that's disregarding the fact that I'm quite possibly suffering from PMS.
It's just that I began this weekend thinking that I would accomplish a great deal of things and get lots and lots of study done. And so in relation to that idea, I wrote up a nice long list of the things I wanted done by, oh, say- now.

And 89% of those things are, in fact, not done. Not even close to being done. Who am I kidding, they're completely untouched.
Not only did I fail to accomplish the vast majority of tasks on my to-do list, but I also managed to um, not study at all.

Okay that's a lie, I studied, but boy was it difficult. This weekend was just an 'off' one. You know those days where you tell yourself 'Yes, today I will do this, and then I'll make a start on that, and in between, I'll go there and do this and when I get back, I'll finish that other thing' and it's all well and good, until your brain says 'No. No, you will do nothing of the sort.'
And that's that. Despite your efforts, you manage to do nothing or at least if you begin, nothing gets finished.

Over the entire weekend, I did a measly five chapter summary questions for business management, and wrote a pathetic two essays for practice for my English exam. Two essays that only made me angry and fed up with life in general. Two essays that made me want to cry, and one of which did make me cry, as well as crack the shits with my dear, beloved boy who did nothing at all wrong, but sadly caught the brunt of my anger and frustration. I love him all the more for the simple fact that he puts up with me and my madness. He's lovely.

And then today I set out for the State Library to meet my wonderful friend and fellow blogger, Meleonie. I love our study-dates, and I love our chats even more. Meleonie is one of those rare, beautiful souls that the world needs more of. She has the ability to change my mood as well as my outlook on life, and I always walk away from her feeling encouraged and inspired. She is a beautiful, beautiful person, to say the very least.
However, our study session was not as successful as I had hoped. Coffee and lunch sounded far more enticing, and so after devoting only an hour or so to actual studying, it seemed that not a lot got done. But I left feeling happy and positive, and with my new issue of Frankie (which increased my endorphin levels by a good 96%), it seemed nothing could bring me down.
However, as per usual, I was wrong because within an hour or so, I felt like death. I had a head  ache and a stomach ache and I was dizzy and felt nauseous. I put it down to exhaustion, plain and simple.

Later, mum and I went to the grocery store and I bought myself groceries for school for the next week. Walking through the aisles like an angry, sad and fatigued corpse, I decided I needed a reward. A chocolatey reward. Lo and behold, just to my delight, the entire chocolate bar shelf was on sale.
And so I grabbed not one, but two, and then tried to bury my prevailing sense of guilt by buying diet cereal and an antioxidant fruit and nut mix.
None of those latter purchases meant anything, however, because as soon as I got into the car, one of my chocolate bars had vanished in about three large, eager, monstrous bites.

Then when I got home, I managed to scoff a handful of Portugese baked chicken, a little bit of potato salad, as well as some little oven-baked potato balls. Then I ate half a Crocodile Bun (a Sri-Lankan sweet pastry that I haven't had in five years) and the second chocolate bar.
Now I can't be sure, but I think I literally felt the fat growing onto my thighs. But boy was I happier.
Later when I was changing into my pyjama's, I looked at my half naked self in the mirror and thought 'My God, you're getting fat.' I looked at my thighs and my stomach and my not-so-lovable love-handles and saw the word 'Cadbury' written all over them. And then I thought about how happy that chocolate made me, and realised it was worth it. It took my mind off my studies and my crapbag of a day, and it seemed to melt my worries as it melted in my mouth. That's a wonderous thing.
I will never be entirely happy with my body. Additionally, I don't think the struggle for perfection is worth it. No, I'm not one of those girls who will profess to 'loving their curves and flaws' because let's be honest- no one loves their flaws. But I have stopped caring. I think it's a silly thing to waste time on, and if chocolate makes me happy, I will damn well eat it. At least when I'm fat, I will be happy too.
And when the day comes where my boyfriend tentatively tells me 'You know, I do love you, but you're getting kind of fat..' I will agree with him. And offer him a chocolate bar.

I cannot wait to get my hands on the new

Frankie.

Eeeep!