Snakadaktal - Dance Bear

Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder;

it only makes the heart realise it can most certainly do without.

~

"Op, What Was That?" "That, Ma'am, Was Your Sanity...And Your Remotely Decent Figure."

Dear Jesus, this is bad.

I know I said I didn't feel bad about eating ridiculous amounts of rubbish because it was making me happy and helping me combat stress, but this is just wrong.
I have consumed so much chocolate and so many Dorito's and so much processed, sugary, artificial junk, that I feel like a walking rubbish dump. A rubbish dump for bad food.

Add to that, I had another mental breakdown a few hours earlier. For some stupid flipping reason, my e-mails weren't working, and I was trying to study and I desperately needed to e-mail my teacher. Then when I finally logged on, it told me I needed to verify some code for security reasons or some bullshit like that, and then when I clicked on the link it gave me, there was no code!

So I cried. For quite a while.

When I'd pulled myself together, it occured to me that I could just try my other e-mail address. Which I did.
Great success.

But after four more pieces of chocolate and a bite of some odd-tasting macaroon, and another mental breakdown threat, I think it's time to go for a run.

Or a walk.

After all that junk food, let's not be too ambitious.

Bye for now, X

Bombay Bicycle Club on the 2nd of Jan

Beach House on the 9th of Jan

St. Jerome's Laneway Festival on the 3rd of Feb

and

wait for it..

Of Monsters and Men on the 5th of Feb

I cannot contain my excitement. 
This is going to be the most amazing Summer of my life.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

"Because It Makes Me Happy"- Why Binge Eating and Spontaneous Purchases Are Sometimes The Only Answer.

This weekend has been rotten. Just absolutely rotten and disappointing and dismal. And that's disregarding the fact that I'm quite possibly suffering from PMS.
It's just that I began this weekend thinking that I would accomplish a great deal of things and get lots and lots of study done. And so in relation to that idea, I wrote up a nice long list of the things I wanted done by, oh, say- now.

And 89% of those things are, in fact, not done. Not even close to being done. Who am I kidding, they're completely untouched.
Not only did I fail to accomplish the vast majority of tasks on my to-do list, but I also managed to um, not study at all.

Okay that's a lie, I studied, but boy was it difficult. This weekend was just an 'off' one. You know those days where you tell yourself 'Yes, today I will do this, and then I'll make a start on that, and in between, I'll go there and do this and when I get back, I'll finish that other thing' and it's all well and good, until your brain says 'No. No, you will do nothing of the sort.'
And that's that. Despite your efforts, you manage to do nothing or at least if you begin, nothing gets finished.

Over the entire weekend, I did a measly five chapter summary questions for business management, and wrote a pathetic two essays for practice for my English exam. Two essays that only made me angry and fed up with life in general. Two essays that made me want to cry, and one of which did make me cry, as well as crack the shits with my dear, beloved boy who did nothing at all wrong, but sadly caught the brunt of my anger and frustration. I love him all the more for the simple fact that he puts up with me and my madness. He's lovely.

And then today I set out for the State Library to meet my wonderful friend and fellow blogger, Meleonie. I love our study-dates, and I love our chats even more. Meleonie is one of those rare, beautiful souls that the world needs more of. She has the ability to change my mood as well as my outlook on life, and I always walk away from her feeling encouraged and inspired. She is a beautiful, beautiful person, to say the very least.
However, our study session was not as successful as I had hoped. Coffee and lunch sounded far more enticing, and so after devoting only an hour or so to actual studying, it seemed that not a lot got done. But I left feeling happy and positive, and with my new issue of Frankie (which increased my endorphin levels by a good 96%), it seemed nothing could bring me down.
However, as per usual, I was wrong because within an hour or so, I felt like death. I had a head  ache and a stomach ache and I was dizzy and felt nauseous. I put it down to exhaustion, plain and simple.

Later, mum and I went to the grocery store and I bought myself groceries for school for the next week. Walking through the aisles like an angry, sad and fatigued corpse, I decided I needed a reward. A chocolatey reward. Lo and behold, just to my delight, the entire chocolate bar shelf was on sale.
And so I grabbed not one, but two, and then tried to bury my prevailing sense of guilt by buying diet cereal and an antioxidant fruit and nut mix.
None of those latter purchases meant anything, however, because as soon as I got into the car, one of my chocolate bars had vanished in about three large, eager, monstrous bites.

Then when I got home, I managed to scoff a handful of Portugese baked chicken, a little bit of potato salad, as well as some little oven-baked potato balls. Then I ate half a Crocodile Bun (a Sri-Lankan sweet pastry that I haven't had in five years) and the second chocolate bar.
Now I can't be sure, but I think I literally felt the fat growing onto my thighs. But boy was I happier.
Later when I was changing into my pyjama's, I looked at my half naked self in the mirror and thought 'My God, you're getting fat.' I looked at my thighs and my stomach and my not-so-lovable love-handles and saw the word 'Cadbury' written all over them. And then I thought about how happy that chocolate made me, and realised it was worth it. It took my mind off my studies and my crapbag of a day, and it seemed to melt my worries as it melted in my mouth. That's a wonderous thing.
I will never be entirely happy with my body. Additionally, I don't think the struggle for perfection is worth it. No, I'm not one of those girls who will profess to 'loving their curves and flaws' because let's be honest- no one loves their flaws. But I have stopped caring. I think it's a silly thing to waste time on, and if chocolate makes me happy, I will damn well eat it. At least when I'm fat, I will be happy too.
And when the day comes where my boyfriend tentatively tells me 'You know, I do love you, but you're getting kind of fat..' I will agree with him. And offer him a chocolate bar.

I cannot wait to get my hands on the new

Frankie.

Eeeep!

Today I Don't Feel Like Doing Anything.

Yet it is with a dismal sigh that I reluctantly admit I have to do lots of things today. And I really don't want to.

Today I'm skipping church to go and study at the State Library with my beloved study-buddy, Meleonie. Now don't get me wrong, I love seeing that girl, and our city adventures are wonderful, but- but- I just don't want to study anymore. I don't want to have to skip church so that I can go and sit in an intimidatingly quiet (yet stunningly beautiful) library for hours on end, and write pages and pages of essays and notes. I want to be in church, seeing friends and praising the only One who's going to get me through this exam. But hopefully He understands- because I really need to study.

Hopefully if I've made it to next Sunday alive, I'll be at church all the earlier, testifying His faithfulness and greatness.

However, for now, I have a long, arduous list of things to accomplish today, and just looking at it makes me want to curl up in a tight ball and die.

1. Write practice piece for Section B
2. Read 'A Christmas Carol' and take note of quotes
3. Write second practice piece for Section A
4. Summarise knowledge for all sections
5. Read business management chapter 19 (yes, there's business homework too)
6. Finish psychology notes on personality trait theories (and there's psychology!)
7. Summarise knowledge on personality theories
8. Potentially make a start on graphs

Okay, so there's 8 things, and this is after I decided I wasn't going to do my last five chapter summary questions for business management. However, these eight things will take me all day. Literally all day. 

"Dear God, please give me strength. And motivation, and persistence, and encouragement, and focus to stay on task all day, and get everything done. Please help me to be productive and efficient, and give me the ability to absorb everything I read and study. Please just get me through the day without another mental breakdown.

Lots of love, Anoosha. Amen."

How Throwing A Tantrum Can Sometimes Lead To A Greater Sense Of Fulfilment & Appreciation.

It was only a matter of time. To be honest, I had foreseen the moment since the beginning of 5th grade. I knew it was going to happen, sooner or later.
And it did.
I had my first English exam-related nervous breakdown.

I was trying to write a text response essay. I'd spent an hour and a half at my desk, and I had written less than a page. I didn't have a properly solidified contention, and I honestly had no idea where I was going with my discussion. It felt hopeless and I felt incapable of even forming a sentence, and so I threw my book against my bedroom wall and cried.
Actually, before I threw my book, I cried all over my essay and smudged all the writing.

Then I threw my book.

I suddenly hated English. I hated it, and I hated school, and I hated writing, and I hated studying, and I hated exams and everything else. So much hatred. So little logical reasoning.

So then I had some coffee and made a sandwich, and listened to some worships songs before deciding to have another shot at that godforsaken essay. This time I wrote a plan, and carefully thought out my contention.
And, lo and behold, an hour and a half later, I had finished. It might be absolute rubbish, but it is completed absolute rubbish. At least I finished it. And that's one dot-point ticked off my to-do list. Lovely.

So I guess that lightened my mood a little. Sure, I had a shocking afternoon, but my essay was finished and I had achieved something. And that felt good.
And then it got me thinking about what else makes me feel good, and all the other little things I like. So here's a list, even though you didn't ask for one.
Maybe you'll find some stuff you can assimilate with or it'll remind you of what you like, and then we can all feel good and be happy together.

And you can thank me later.

I like scented candles & those little contraptions where you put the candle underneath and drip some fragrance and water in the top.

And I like this new peach and mandarin fragrance I have for mine.

I like tea- all sorts of tea:

Chamomile,

Rosehip,

Honeydrew green,

French vanilla & rose.

I like fairy lights.

I like the smell and feel and sight of books.

I like my bed and the comfort and security and warmth I get from it.

I love being kissed on the head.

I like long train and bus rides.

I like friendly strangers.

I love my literature class at school.

I love friends who don't judge.

I like rainy days spent in bed,

And sunny days spent in parks.

I love having my hair played with.

I like cheesy movies with predictable endings,

Oh and Disney movies too.

I like people who don't want to be like other people.

I like when I go to sleep with wet hair and wake up with wild, unruly curls.

I like making films and taking photos.

I love my friend Cristobal,

more than he knows and more than I can ever tell him.

I love my new friend Meleonie,

I think she's one of those people who are sent to you for a reason.

If you're reading this Mel, you're the greatest.

I really like muesli bars,

and tuna. 

Most people hate tuna,

but I'm really not most people.

I love the way Of Monsters & Men makes me feel;

it's the same beautiful, consistent feeling every time I listen to them.

And I like all those other things that make me feel the same lovely feelings every time.

I love those moments with my boyfriend, those tiny moments between being awake

and falling asleep,

where my mind is silent while my body and my soul are alert,

taking in the feel and scent of him next to me,

and feeling so content and secure and at peace.

I like the way my mum makes me coffee,

because she gets it right every time, 

and I dont.

I like going to bed after hot showers,

and waking up with hot showers.

I like the feeling I get after going for a run,

or doing yoga,

or having a great work-out.

I love my mums cooking.

I like wandering the city, 

and finding new cafes

and shops

and gardens.

I like markets and op-shops.

I love long drives.

I like holding hands.

I love having my hair washed by someone else.

I like the process of getting ready for an outing.

I recently realised I like seeing my boyfriend smile and laugh,

he won't agree with me, 

but he has the loveliest smile,

and the cutest laugh,

that makes me happy too.

I like going to church.

I love Florence + The Machine.

I like poetry,

and I like art.

The end.

~

*having a mental breakdown*

me- No.
me- I hate English.
me- I physically cannot write this essay.
essay-
me- I hate you essay.
essay-
me- I want to set my books and study notes on fire.
books-
me- I hate everything.
me- And now I'm crying all over my notes and getting them smudged and shit.
me- This is a horrible state of affairs.
me- I give up.

She's Tired & Sleepy, And Nodding Her Head..

...and ready to curl herself up in bed, and see what tomorrow brings.

Does anyone remember 'Noddy'? ('The little man in the red and yellow car'?)
No? No one? 

Nevermind.

Somehow I think Noddy was a little more optimistic than I am, at the best of times. All Noddy ever had to do was be all cute and small and happy in his little car, with all his little toy friends. 

Noddy never had to wake up at ungodly hours to get ready for school, or take a bus full of inexplicably-boysterous-for-8am-in-the-morning young adolescents to a place where he would have to elbow his way through locker bays and get bored to the point of insanity in class. Additionally, Noddy didn't need to drink coffee to stay awake while studying for countless SAC's and exams. 

I complain far too much about school.

It's not as if I'm the first and only person to ever do VCE. It's not as if there aren't another 40,000 or so VCE students struggling through this with me.
I shouldn't be so ungrateful. So many kids around the world would do anything for my life, and my education and my opportunites. Jesus, a girl just got shot for pushing for her rights to an education and here I am complaining endlessly about mine.

I can't say I'm enjoying the stress and the anxiety and the pressure of school right now, but I'm so blessed to have an education and such promising possibilities and opportunites. I really must stop whining.

On a happier side note, I have so much to look forward to! After exams, we begin three weeks of year 12 before the school year is over for good. You'd presume that my usual hateful ramblings towards year 11 would only suggest even more hateful ramblings towards year 12, but alas, you are wrong.
It makes no sense whatsoever, and it totally contradicts everything I just whinged about, but I am super excited for year 12. 
Actually, let me specify- I am most certainly NOT looking forward to the heightened stress and pressure and anxiety and nerves that will surely result from my next and final year of high school. I'm NOT looking forward to exams and selecting universities and all that troublesome nonsense. And I'm certainly NOT looking forward to hearing about the VCAA 28,483 times a week. 

What I am looking forward to is the independence and freedom we get as seniors of the school. And by this I mean not just little privileges and perks, but I mean in relation to subjects and coursework,  and the freedom of choice and room for creativity that we are allowed.
For example, year 11 media has seen us following the coursework for the year, which obviously means completing structured projects and assessment tasks as directed by our teacher. Fun, but hardly room for the creativity I know I have.
Year 12 media, however, sees us spending the entire year on one project- be it film, print, photography, animation or digital media/radio. We get to pick whichever we like and then spend the entire year, brainstorming, drafting, creating and perfecting our final piece. 
When I was told this, I almost squealed with excitement. I don't know which form I like more out of all of them, but just the fact that there is so much freedom and room for creativity and independence just makes me eager to start the new school year, before we've even finished this one.

Oh! And in regards to that, the back room of our house- that my sister and I are slowly but gradually turning into a studio- is coming along quite nicely. And I have good news..
I may soon be purchasing my very own iMac for the studio, complete with all the programs I will require for media! I'm so excited I can hardly wait- Macs are absolutely wonderful for design and media, especially photography.
And to accompany my beautiful iMac, I'm going to look into a Canon EOS SLR for perhaps my 18th birthday next May. I've seen some ridiculous deals on twin lens kits, and it would sure be an investment. I can't wait.
Next year will be a hell of a challenge, but an awesome one. So maybe I'll stop complaining, just for now.

I'll keep you posted. Much love.

You bring me so much happiness,

please stay around.

Bottle-Neck.

Just in case anyone was concerned about my whereabouts or my significant decline in any sort of posts with original substance- don't worry. I'm still here. Kind of.

Every time I open my internet, Jack's House pops up as my homepage and I am continuously reminded of where I would rather be. But of course, every time I open my internet, it is not to blog, but rather to check my work rosters, view my bank account balance (a.k.a, forget my password 200 times and then when I finally gain access, cry about how poor I am), Google answers for homework and copy chunks of text from Wikipedia, and then of course tell the whole of Facebook via my status, about how much I hate VCE.

And finally I have an empty house and a spare minute to say hi.

A spare minute that will soon vanish, and will only return on the 9th of November when my exams end, and then that spare minute will- much to my inexplicable pleasure- become a spare two months. A spare two months of beautiful Summer holidays. But until then, I'm sitting at the bottle-neck.

I'm not quite sure if I made up that term, or whether it's been widely used before me and I'm just a misconcieving, filthy liar. But if I really am the first person to use that term in this sense, or if you just haven't a single clue what I'm talking about at this point, by bottle-neck, I'm referring to this stage of the school year. This stage where everything you have studied for and worked for is finally coming to seem important, and exams are just around the corner and you're just so so close to freedom and relief, but until then, you're in the neck of the bottle and everything is just tight and difficult and restraining and painful and arduous and life-ruining. To say the least.
And although I'm currently only in my first year of VCE, my English exam in approximately seventeen days is worrying me enough to make my hair fall out. Thankfully I'm not sure it's managed to do that just yet, but really, I wouldn't be surprised.

This exam is the 'be all and end all' for me. English has always been my best and my favourite subject, eversince I was a wee lass in prep all those years ago. And on the 1st of November, I have to sit a three hour and fifteen minute exam to prove my knowledge on everything I've learnt so far.

And I am petrified.
Scared to the point of anxiety attacks-
Or spontaneous combustion.
Either seems likely.

And to make matters worse, my worry seems to have eaten my motivation. A few days ago, I sat at my table and wrote some fourteen hundred words for a practice language analysis, but then realised 1. that I had achieved that over the time span of two nights, and 2. that there was no way in heaven or hell that I would honestly be writing fourteen hundred words in one hour, and so I concluded that I had simply wasted my time, hence my newfound lack of motivation.

And now, lo and behold, I think I'm coming down with a cold. Or some sort of illness that just makes me want to frown and sleep.

Oh bloggers, I bet you're longing for the day you don't have to listen to my whiney, study-related posts.  I'm longing for the day I don't need to write them.

Until then, please still love me.

She makes the sign of a teaspoon 
He makes the sign of a wave 
The poor boy changes clothes 
And he puts on after-shave 
To compensate for his ordinary shoes 

And she said honey take me dancing 
But they ended up by sleeping 
In a doorway 
By the bodegas and the lights on 
Upper Broadway 
Wearing diamonds on the soles of their shoes 

You In All Your Wonder.

I miss you.
I miss your face and all it's features
that I was beginning to know so well
from those nights when I'd lie there next to you and trace my fingers over your cheeks
your chin
your nose
your forehead.
I miss your eyes that looked so fiercely and yet so gently into mine
that I was numb 
with a thrilling kind of fear and anticipation and awe
all at once. And I couldn't look away.
And you would say,
"What are you looking at?"
And all I could say was,
"You."
in all your wonder
and all that you are.
I miss your hands
that have a strange power to do such incredible things to me
and you don't even try.
You hold my hand in yours
and there is nothing in the world that could pull me away from you.
You run your fingers through my hair
and I am a child again- a little girl
so inexplicably comfortable in your arms
that you wouldn't even understand.
I miss your chest that made the perfect pillow
every time.
And I was never as cold as I usually am
with your warmth under me
and your heartbeat singing me to sleep.
So quietly
and so surely.

I wish I were a cloud; then I could come and go from existence whenever I pleased.