Something A Little Bit Greater Than This.

I'm so tired. I'm exhausted. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too. This tunnel is so long. And the light keeps flickering.

I want to get away from all of this, and be happy for longer than just twenty-four hours, give or take. I want to be happy for more than that.

They thought dad would get better faster in rehab. Now it's just bad news and an even worse forecast. They'd said 'Oh, he'll be home in around five or so weeks.'

How do they know anything? Mum says dad's gotten worse. She says he looks sicker, and he's more restless. My sister thinks he's given up. Apparently he's gotten into the habit of pulling the sheets all the way up and covering his face and staying like that. Like he doesn't want to be a part of the world, and he wishes he could turn off life for a little while.

Like me.

I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of this heavy, dark shadow over our lives; what's going to happen? Will dad be okay? He's getting sicker. What can we do? Where are we going to go? Can we afford things anymore? How much longer?

I know dad's got the worst part of this situation. He's the sick one and he's been robbed of a good one and a half years of his life. But sometimes it's hard to think of dad and how this is affecting him. Especially now, when I'm so tired. In every possible way.

I hate this. I hate this uncertainty and this constant question. I hate this test of faith. I hate waiting for something that mightn't ever come. I hate having to be strong; all the time, I have to keep my chin up and keep moving.

It's not that I want to be a weakling and cry all the time. I just don't want to have to be strong. I dont want a situation like this, where being strong is the only option. Because it's hard sometimes, to be strong. And it's exhausting. I dont want to do it anymore.

I'm just waiting. Waiting for something, anything; for fate to intervene and put an end to this. Waiting for a little glimmer of hope, for something to look positive and encouraging. For things to get better, so that everything doesn't suck so bad.

There has to be more to life than just doing and being. More than hoping and wishing. There has to be something more than this. Something better, happier and fulfilling. This can't be it. Life can't just be what it seems right now. No way. There has to be a better reason we were born into this world.

Yet I still feel like I'm waiting.

What the hell am I waiting for?

Something a little bit greater than this.